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爹爹,我早该杀了你

2015-01-13 西尔维娅·普拉斯 灰光灯
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西尔维娅·普拉斯


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| 爹爹 |西尔维娅·普拉斯你再不能这么做,再不能,
你是黑色的鞋子
我像只脚,关在里面
苍白,可怜,受三十年苦
不敢打嚏,气不敢出。  

爹爹,我早该杀了你,
我还没动手你就死去——
大理石般沉重,一袋子神灵
鬼一般的雕像,一个脚趾灰色
像弗里斯柯的海狗一样大  

像奇异的大西洋上一个头颅
在那里海水把绿豆芽抛上蓝天
在美丽的瑙塞河外的海水里。
从前我经常祈求你复生。
Ach,du,  

说德国话,住波兰城
那个被战争,战争,战争
的压路机辗平的小城。
但这地名太普通
我的波兰籍朋友  

说有一两打之多。
所以我从来不清楚
你住在哪里,到过何处。
我从来没能跟你说话
舌头在嘴里卡住,  

在装铁刺的陷阱里卡住,
inh,inh,inh,inh,
我从来说不出。
我觉得每个德国人都是你
这语言太下流  

像一架引擎,一架引擎
把我当犹太人一般发落。
该去达豪、达斯威兹、倍尔森的犹太人。
我开始象犹太人一般谈吐
我满可以成为犹太人。  

提洛尔的雪,维也纳的白啤酒
都不纯粹不真实。
我的吉普赛先祖,我的奇特命运,
我的泰洛牌,我的泰洛牌,
我有几分象犹太人。  

我始终害怕你,
你有空军,你有军腔,
你修剪整齐的胡子
你的亚立安眼睛,透亮的蓝,
装甲兵,装甲兵,哦你——  

不是上帝,而是一个 字,
如此漆黑,天空也无法穿过。
每个女人都崇拜法西斯分子,
脸上挂着长靴,野蛮的
野蛮的心,长在野兽身上,象你——  

你站在黑板旁边,爹爹,
我有你的一张照片,
一条裂痕长在下巴上,而不是脚上,
但你依然是魔鬼,不比
那穿黑衣的人差半分,那人  

把我可爱的红心一咬两半。
我十岁时他们埋葬了你。
二十岁时我有死的意图,
回到,回到,回到你的身边,
哪怕你已变成白骨。  

但他们把我从袋里拖出,
用胶水把我粘住。
我给你做了一个雕像,
一个黑衣人,脸象《我的奋斗》  

一个老虎凳和拇指夹的爱好者。
我说我招供,我招供。
因此,爹爹,我终于结束。
黑色的电话线连根剪断,
声音无法爬行通过。  

要是我杀一个人,就等于杀两个人——
那吸血鬼,他就是你,
他吸我们的血已有一年,
说明确些,已有七年。
爹爹,你现在可以安息。  

你肥胖的黑心算盘打得太足,
村民们从来就不喜欢你。
他们踩在你身上跳舞,
脚底是你,他们完全清楚。
爹爹,爹爹,你这混蛋,我结束。

赵毅衡 译


| Daddy |

Sylvia Plath


You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.


Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time---
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one grey toe
Big as a Frisco seal


And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.


In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend


Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.


It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene


An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.


The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gypsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.


I have always been scared of *you*,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You---


Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.


You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who


Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.


But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look


And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.


If I've killed one man, I've killed two---
The vampire who said he was you
and drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.


There's a stake in your fat, black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always *knew* it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

西尔维娅·普拉斯(Sylvia Plath,1932—1963)


作为诗人的普拉斯也曾非常投入地学习过绘画,图为她的速写


普拉斯以精神直觉挖掘自我,无论诗、小说还是绘画

“你是黑色的鞋子/我像只脚,关在里面”


1956年普拉斯在剑桥邂逅英国诗人特德·休斯,坠入情网,并与这位“世间唯一能与我匹配的男子”闪电结婚。图为普拉斯为特德·休斯画的肖像。


特德·休斯和西尔维娅·普拉斯


普拉斯在诗里不断触及死亡,“像猫一样可死九次”。她多次尝试自杀,1963年最后一次自杀成功,时年31岁。


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